Blogatronic

2004-08-08T16:28:00.000-04:00

2004-08-06T20:47:00.000-04:00

Continuing story on the fall of Western Civilization:

Forget Uncrustables and pre-dipped chips. This will be enough.

2004-08-03T20:13:00.000-04:00

I got a comment from someone saying they like my random conversations, so in response to that (also because the proceeding quote made me laugh so hard that I vaporized, exploded, and imploded all at the same time), I'll share another, in which Jared offers a suggestion on how to improve the Harry Potter series. As you read, try and imagine it happening, and you'll see what I mean:

rossocles: have you started the 5th book yet?
JMANN9994: first couple chapters
rossocles: then you know that dudley gets his shit ruined again
JMANN9994: yep
JMANN9994: it would be better if the dementor gave him the stone cold stunner
JMANN9994: i cant think of anyone they couldnt beat wit that move
JMANN9994: that would be sweet if his patronus was stone cold steve austin
JMANN9994: no one would stand a chance
JMANN9994: hed just destroy em with massive rays of awesomeness

It'll probably happen in Book Six.

2004-07-17T00:35:00.000-04:00

Har har har.

2004-07-14T22:07:00.000-04:00

They say that Water Bears can survive for a hundred years with no water, be boiled alive, frozen, and even float through outer space and still come back to life... All that from a tiny little bug that looks like a four-legged bear made of marshmallow puffs. I tell you, it's not fair. Why are Water Bears so tough? And yes, Jared, witchcraft is a valid answer. In fact, it's probably true.

2004-07-14T19:18:00.000-04:00

I got back from Young Life camp last Saturday, and I was planning on writing about it, but certain circumstances beyond my control stopped me. Actually, only one circumstance (besides laziness): my hard drive died. Completely and totally died. So now we have a new hard drive and hopefully it won't crash any time soon. Anyhow, on to the recap.

Camp was awesome as usual. Even the 9 hour drive wasn't that bad, since we got to play a few games of GIVE ME THE BRAIN. Also, we watched Shrek, and you can't go wrong with Shrek. Right before we got to camp, we stopped at McDonald's for lunch, which was very strange, not because of the fact that it was McDonald's, but because of two guys "working" there, who were very weird and kept asking us for our food. Turns out those two guys worked at the camp and were only at McDonald's to mess with us. What a great start to the week. There were the usual fun activities: mountain biking, mountain boarding, ridge runners, tubing, rock climbing, frisbee golf, all-day tournaments, Xgames, sailing, and canoeing. Canoeing was probably one of the best since we spent most of the time playing pirates and tipping over other people's canoes. We usually came back with more boats than when we left, and we were such a hazard on one day that the lifeguards didn't give anyone the all-clear to go out on the waterfront until we came back in. That's what I call success. Another memorable pasttime was the noble sport of hitting on girls with awful pick-up lines, such as "Have you been fishing? 'Cuz you got me hooked," and "Is your mom a baker? 'Cuz you've got nice buns." This was all due to a competition we were having to see who could get the best response to a pick-up line. My best response definitely came from the worst line ever: "Yo, can I beat that?" Not only did the girls have no idea what I was talking about, but one of their guy friends wanted to beat me up (but was distracted by Johnny moving his fingers in opposite circles) and the girls came back to talk to me several times, professing their love for me until they found out that I'm 18. They were 16. Shucks. The best response to anyone's pick-up lines came not from a girl, but from the camp directors, when they gave Charles Anderson and Brian Ringers the "That Don't Impress Me Much..." award for hitting on approximately 2/3 of the girls at camp. For those of you who don't know how many people where there, that's well over a hundred girls in the course of 6 days.

And now for a run-on "sentence": Fred Gimmel, Fred Gerbil, Johnny Richter and the Moped Twins, Uncle Wiggly's Clubhouse and Stinky the Clown (beat down), You might not ought want to do that..., and Canadian Spring Break. WOOOOO! Also, several people decided to become Christians, which is great news and the real reason we actually have camp. People think we're nerdy Jesus freaks, but ask anyone who went, and they'll tell you that it was TOTALLY AWESOME.

2004-06-25T23:06:00.000-04:00

Ok, so my comments are messing up. I hate my commenting server anyway, so I deleted the code for the comments. I'm in the process of looking for a new commenting server, so the comments should be back up in no time. Just hold your horses.

Update 6/26: There's a guestbook now. It should probably work a little better than the comments did. If you have something to say about a post, just leave it in the guestbook. Now quit yer whining.

Update a few minutes later 6/26: Now there are comments too. I found some new commenting code and we'll see how it all turns out. Now you can take your pick. You can leave a general comment on the guestbook or leave a comment about a post. Either one is fine.

2004-06-23T21:41:00.000-04:00

So I was reading the newspaper the other day, and according to the Washington Post, blogs are the fast food of policital commentary. Since my website sometimes contains political commentary, I'm pretty sure they were talking about me. In case they come back, I've decided to save them time and condense all of my political views into a sort of "Political Happy Meal". Ok, here goes:

BUSHTREESCOLONPIXIESMILLIONAIREANUSRUSH-
LIMBAUGHAPPLEJUICECOFFEEGRINDSLICKDICK-
CHENEYTASTYRUMSFELDWATCHOUTFORKILLERCACTI-
ANDTHOSEMANEATINGJACKRABBITSREPUBLICANS-
JUMPINGJACKSANOMALYCREAMPUFFTHIRTYFOUR-
RATTLESNAKELOOKINGGLASSESBEHINDEIGHTEEN-
FORTYSEVENDEMOCRATSWILLGIVEYOUDIARRHEA.

Mmmm... fast food.

Speaking of fast food, have you seen that new movie called "Supersize Me"? It's about a guy who eats nothing but McDonalds for a month, and whenever the cashier asks him if he wants to supersize his meal, he does. Now, I'm not sure this guy should really be making a buttload of money off of this, the fact that eating McDonalds for a month nearly killed him notwithstanding. Not because it's not true or anything (in fact, it's totally true), but because anyone with five minutes of free time can walk down to McDonalds themselves and see that yes, everyone who eats a lot of shitty food is indeed a big fat slob. After all, the people who get supersized servings don't wait for the cashiers to ask them if they want it or not. They get it right from the start. Then again, maybe they're on to something. It's a well-known fact that people are stupid. You know you agree with me. They probably have some crazy notion in their peanut-sized brains that McDonalds really isn't that bad for them, and it takes a movie to convince them of it, for the same reason that they have to have celebrities telling them to save the rainforest instead of scientists who actually know what they're talking about. Speaking of saving the world, I just had the best idea ever. We'll solve the American obesity problem and the world hunger problem at the same time! Fat people = pigs. Pigs = bacon. Bacon = end to world hunger! Plus, we can lace it with poison and feed it to all the stupid people! Yes! What, you mean fat people and pigs aren't the same? Maybe not to you, gentle readers, but just you wait. They will be. Oh, yes. They will be.

2004-06-22T12:38:00.000-04:00

Throughout history, there has been one burning question, one puzzle that mankind has struggled with through the ages... Is Griffin Fernandez hot or not?

2004-06-21T21:53:00.000-04:00

Wow, this is actually a pretty good summary of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Thanks for this one go out to none other than Bekkah.

2004-06-20T21:36:00.000-04:00

OK, a bunch of people have asked me to write a post about Beach Week. Rather than give them what they deserve (Flaming Fists of Fury), I'll write one, mostly because I've been planning on writing a post about Beach Week ever since we got evicted. Evicted? That's right. We got evicted from our house within four hours of checking in. What for, you ask? We're not sure. Apparently a group of 18-year-olds just had a "look" about them that the owner of the house didn't like, so they called the cops and had us kicked out. There's a little bit more to it than that, like some of the guys climbing on the roof, but that's basically it. I've decided to make the best of a bad situation by providing a list of things to do to avoid getting evicted from your house based on my own experiences.

- Don't move. If you move you'll attract attention, and if the homeowners see the "look" you have, you'll get kicked out. Just what is that "look"? See for yourself, if you're brave enough:

Scary. (Notice how the four guys in the right of the picture (including me) are tiny compared to the others, and Eric actually looks reasonably tall. Ah, the wonders of photography.)

- Don't make noise. Same reason as above.

- Breathing is OK.

- Never, EVER cook Ramen Noodle Soup.

That about covers the things we could have gotten evicted for, since we had about 4 hours in which to do something wrong, of which a total of 30 minutes were spent in the house. Gotta love the system, eh? At least they never found out that Eric peed in the closets.

Aside from that, Nags Head was pretty nice. We stayed in a hotel for a few days and then got ourselves another house far away from the first one. The beach was fun every day and I actually almost stood up on the only wave I caught while I was surfing. Ultimate frisbee on the beach was great, especially since everyone else along the beach would turn and stare at us playing. We basically drove around all day looking for things to do whenever we weren't at the beach or in our house, which ended up being even closer to the beach than our first house. I'm a little disappointed that we never went to Galaxy Golf, which from the looks of it would have been quite an experience. Think Putt Putt after a hurricane. I did end up finding a good souvenir t-shirt that has a picture of a Jolly Roger and the phrase "Surrender the Booty" on it. Look out, ladies.

Do you like crab legs? We certainly do, and we did our best to crush the all-you-can-eat crab leg buffet that we went to on Thursday night. Judging from the recording of Bruce's ass explosion that he made when we got back to the house, I'd say we did a pretty good job, with the final total for each of us being no less than four plates apiece, unless you count the girls, but you never count the girls. All in all, I'd say it was a great time. I wish I was still there, and I wish I didn't have to go back to work on Monday, but that's life. Actually, life is me playing sick and not going to work tomorrow. On that note, I think I'll go watch TV.

2004-06-09T22:33:00.000-04:00

So we're going to the beach this sunday. Enter Castle Cool. What can I say? We obviously know how to live in the lap of luxury. Not only does our house have windows, but it has a MICROWAVE! HOLY CRAP! Seriously though, our house is literally 10 feet from the beach, which is insanely awesome. Well, I'll see you non-graduating suckers later. Heh, suckers.

2004-06-04T22:04:00.000-04:00

This is why the Krocodyle is so terrifying:

rang00er: ive formulated a plan to get my game back
rossocles: ask me for it when you're here tomorrow?
rang00er: lets just say it involves giraffes, a flash bang, and some overweight nijas and underweight sumos
rang00er: all very complicated
rang00er: we plan to breech the house disguised as guests for the engagement party
rang00er: then
rang00er: we'll secure the upstairs so our helicopter can land and release the fat invisible nijas
rang00er: then the sumos will distract everyone by eating everything and by wearing women's thongs instead of those towel like things
rang00er: its perfect, genius
rang00er: maybe they'll be female supermodel sumos
rang00er: that would be much better
rang00er: THE CROC STRIKES AGAIN
rang00er: that will be the headline
rang00er: ill have to fight batman or someone
rang00er: to gain respect and become a super villian

I think I just crapped my pants.

2004-06-04T15:51:00.000-04:00

Ok, I don't know if you know this, but lately spammers (people who send out junk email to try and get you to buy something or give them money) have been getting "clever". By that I mean they've started sending out emails with absolutely retarded subject lines. This lets them get past filters, since the subjects are real words and don't contain any actual profanity, but seriously, who's going to open an email with this as the subject line: "looking glass 0576 guardian angels"? Or, one of my personal favorites, "anomaly 34 cream puffs". All these messages do is clog up my inbox, and I have no way to block them other than refusing every single email from someone who isn't in my address book. Here's a hint: DON'T OPEN EMAILS WITH GIBBERISH IN THE SUBJECT LINE! Then maybe the assholes who send these emails out will figure out that their tactic isn't working and they'll STOP SENDING ME THESE GOD DAMN EMAILS. Seriously. These things are almost as annoying as pop-ups. Almost, because nothing in the universe is as annoying as a window that constantly pops up and asks me to download software but has no button for NO. Hint: Ctrl+Alt+Delete.

2004-06-01T23:43:00.000-04:00

So it's finally summer. Excellent. That means more beach time and much less responsibility, which we can all agree is totally sweet. However, you may be asking yourself this question: "Self, what can I do all summer long? Without school, my life is meaningless and my soul has no direction!" Well wonder no more, because Ross is here to help! I've developed a simple 2-step program that is guaranteed to boost your fun levels by 58% or your money back (I'll get to that part in a minute)! But wait! There's... no that's it. So here you are, folks! The two steps to a guaranteed kick-ass summer:

Step 1: Take out your wallet, locate the pieces of paper that say "Legal Tender", and give them to me.

Step 2: Die.

You can't be bored if you're dead, folks! It's the guaranteed perfect plan for the perfect summer! Speaking of bored, play this game. You'll have fun. If you want the secret passwords, the password to unlock every single special mode is "Darkfire". But you didn't hear it from me.

2004-05-28T18:14:00.000-04:00

There you go. The official TEAM HYDRO DOOM picture, minus Josh (The Hebrew Hammer), because Josh was in class right then. From left to right, starting from the top row and working your way down: Kyle (The Kroc), Me (Captain Stryker McDeathkill), Johnny (Johnny Longshot), Will (King Fabulous), Alex (Junior Deputy Dick Lightning), Kit (Doctor Balloon), and Jared (Komandur Koool). And yes, that is a tandem bike. Fear.

By the way, now that high school's over and all, I decided to find a really random post just for old time's sake and post it up for you to see. Therefore, haikus from the Cross Country bus trips:

Man of mystery
Joel Klas, the secret agent,
Lives for the danger.

Frightening blizzard.
Snow monsters approach at night.
Yetis wait outside.

Finally, a beautiful poem about Fall:

Bitter wind blowing,
Leaves rustling in the grass,
Man fondling Cort.

2004-05-28T16:40:00.000-04:00

NO MORE HIGH SCHOOL, BABY!! I am outta here!

So today was the day of the Senior Waterfight. Let me tell you, TEAM HYDRO DOOM was by far the most ultimately cool team ever!! No other team even came close to the level of coolness achieved by TEAM HYDRO DOOM. No other team even had a uniform! Other teams may have had close to the same amount of water balloons that we had, but they didn't have the Job Box. We filled up about 20 or 30 gallons of water worth of Alex's Job Box in the back of his giant truck, and stuck our water guns in there. So even after everyone else was out of water balloons, we still had our guns, and even when the water was too shallow to keep filling our guns any longer, we had Coleman coolers that we filled up with the remaining water and dumped on anyone who was foolish enough to venture close to TEAM HYRDO DOOM. I'm also happy to report that the leader of Team Ultra Lame Plus Infinity was taken out by yours truly on a sneak attack mission. The mission was a success; after an initial setback where the Supreme Ultra Lame Man Greg was somehow alerted to my ninja-like presence I was able to once again sneak into enemy territory and douse Greg with a big Coleman cooler full of dirty water from Alex's Job Box. TEAM HYDRO DOOM has style, and that's all there is to it. I should be getting a picture of TEAM HYDRO DOOM soon enough, and when I do, I'll be sure to post it up here. Until then, ladies please just hold on.

Don't forget to read my Prom predictions and cast your vote for the most unlikely event!

2004-05-25T20:27:00.000-04:00

Prom is coming up soon, as anyone who reads this blog knows. But instead of complaining about some aspect of it (I'm just sayin'!!!), I've decided to make a few predictions as to what will happen this Saturday.

- The DJ will only play 1,877,129,003 songs that are good for booty dancing.

- A certain half-Indian will get drunk and end up making out with Ms. Pendleton, the Physics teacher.

- Mr. Leatherwood will burst in halfway through the night and challenge Isaiah Anderson to a dance off... and win.

- Chris Johnson, thinking that he still goes to CHS, will show up and ask you to lend him $2.

- The DJ will finally play a slow song, but will be eaten by Aliens shortly thereafter.

- A giant skeleton will smash through the parking lot, only to be destroyed by Jared Kennel when Jared finally figures out what the "MegaZord" button on his FJ does.

- Sparky's Flaw will make a surprise appearance, but will have to leave early when a mysterious being teleports them to Betelgeuse 5 to solve an intergalactic crisis with their kickin' tunes.

- Someone will finally figure out that Soylent Green is people.

- A monkey will perform a juggling act, which will culminate with him juggling seventeen flaming nuclear missiles.

- A ninja will be there, but no one will know because he'll be invisible.

- Chris Covington will get laid.

Which one of these is the least likely to happen? Let me know what you think.

2004-05-23T20:18:00.000-04:00

You know, I've wondered about good ol' Ferry Halim in the past, but now I know. This guy is on drugs.

Speaking of drugs, I hope you sissies are ready for the ultimate in destruction that will be rained down upon you by Team Hydro Doom at this year's Senior Waterfight. I myself just purchased two water guns that bear the terrifying name of "The Vaporizer". That's right, punks. Vaporizer. That means that instead of shooting water, it's going to shoot plasma, straight from the center of the Sun. Besides that, we've got my man Will Anderson with a THOUSAND water balloons. Oh yes, a thousand. We'll also have the Tower of Terror, the Apex of Annihilation, KYLE THE KROCODYLE!!! I would tell you what he's going to do to you, but I won't, because little kids read this website. In the words of Ghengis Khan (who according to Max is gay), join me or die*.

*In this case, die does not mean die. Die means get soaked in water and have to go home and change your pants because they're really really wet. But it'll be kind of like dying, only without the death and with more wetness. Death void where prohibited. See your local TEAM HYRDO DOOM for details.

That being said:

Leprechauns need to die. Join the Anti-Leprechaun Confederacy today! (I would have put this on my post about prom, but that must remain unsoiled by the evil that is the leprechaun.)

2004-05-20T21:56:00.000-04:00

Obviously the answer is B.

2004-05-19T22:12:00.000-04:00

So I just found out how to put pictures on my blog! Expect more wonderfully profound pictures in the future.

2004-05-19T21:56:00.000-04:00

It had to be out there somewhere. And here it is. I guess I'll just go sit in my Lay-Z Boy and read Dante's Inferno. Later.

2004-05-14T21:59:00.000-04:00

You know, I would say something about the apocalypse or possibly the decline of Western civilization, but I think this says it all for me.

2004-05-13T22:58:00.000-04:00

pantslessloser: I like playing with bubbles
rossocles: bubbles are fun
pantslessloser: they're flying all over my room at the moment
rossocles: on their own or are you making them?
pantslessloser: well, a small amount of encouragement is necessary, of course
rossocles: bubbles have been known to be quite enthusiastic
pantslessloser: and deadly

I don't think this really needs any explaining.

2004-05-12T13:46:00.000-04:00

You've heard of it in legends and songs, and now I have found it! The fabled "Final Fight Scene" from Shaolin Ping-Pong!

2004-05-11T22:50:00.000-04:00

It's time for some poop talk:

rossocles: i've got a drug called the purple pooper
JMANN9994: i like it
JMANN9994: is it anything like the crimson crapper
JMANN9994: thats actually my super hero name

...NICE!

And speaking of poop, check out this latest Nickelback hit. Notice that it's actually two songs. And yet they sound the same... Oh Nickelback. You're so wacky. Not that the songs are bad in and of themselves, but still. At least put more effort into it than rewriting the lyrics. Thanks to Max for tipping me off to this.

2004-05-10T22:18:00.000-04:00

OK, I've been seeing a lot on the news lately about so-called "brutality" in an Iraqi prison. So I'd like to pose a question. Which do you think is worse, a pile of nude men, or a mass grave filled with the bodies of innocent people? I'm not saying that being cruel to other people is right, because it's not. It would piss me off if I had to pile on top of a bunch of naked guys. But come on, Saddam Hussein cut off people's right hands for disagreeing with him, for God's sake. He was so much worse than what a bunch of asshole Army reservists were doing to prisioners that it doesn't even deserve comparison. And Donald Rumsfeld resigning? Where the hell did anyone get that idea? Donald Rumsfeld makes BIG policies. He didn't go do Abu Ghraib Prision and say "Look, ladies and fellas, here's what I want you to do. I want you to make those guys over there get naked, and you can point and laugh at them. Later, I want you to make someone stand on a box, because that would be totally sweet." No. It didn't happen that way.

Get over it people. You want abuse, go anyplace where there are living creatures. Living creatures are cruel to each other, end of story. The only time people aren't cruel is if they hold some higher ideal that tells them the right way to live, and I'm sorry to say that ain't happening too often these days.

And don't say it's only an American thing. We Americans may be hyperactive cowboys, but we aren't any worse than anyone else in the world. 'Nuff said, I'm going to sleep.

2004-05-08T21:39:00.000-04:00

Weird. Anyone who has taken an online personality test knows that they are usually very gay. However, check it out, and check out some of the links under "For more type info". I'm described as an INTP, which is Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving. Most of the description fits me fairly well, except for two things on two different webpages. First, I am horrible at Stratego (which is a game that I am led to believe INTP's enjoy). Either that or Austin is very very good at it, because he's the only person I've ever played in Stratego and I have yet to win a game in 18 years. Second, I have no problem exercising control over other people, which apparently most INTP's do not like to do. Besides those two things, it's pretty interesting that answering four questions could produce such an accurate portrait of my personality. I think you should take a look at it.

2004-05-08T21:00:00.000-04:00

OK, so I think Prom is in like 3 weeks. Yet I do not have a date. Something's wrong with this picture. I would say that any girl who reads this should go to prom with me, but I don't think any girls read my blog. Damn.

Speaking of damn, it looks like we missed No Pants Day! Somebody's got some explaining to do.

Also, start commenting, people. My blog is lonely, and it needs you to tell it that you love it.

2004-05-07T16:28:00.000-04:00

And this, children, is why cheating is bad.

Speaking of "bad", check out Bubb Rubb.

2004-05-04T12:39:00.000-04:00

Yet another reason why you shouldn't drink too much coffee. If you can't play it, download an MPEG player. It's worth it.

2004-05-01T01:19:00.000-04:00

Jesus H Christ in a chickenbasket. Watch the "Benny Hill" video. This should... nay, it must become a CHS News Live intro.

2004-04-29T20:03:00.000-04:00

As you all know, the Senior water fight is in a few short weeks (I don't actually know when it is, but I'm assuming that it's in a few weeks, and that those weeks are short). Well, I'm in the process of building THE ULTIMATE WATER GUN. All I can say is that it involves fire extinguishers mounted in a backpack and that whoever stands in my way will get sprayed within an inch of their lives. So fear. If you want to be on the good side of the ULTIMATE WATER GUN, then become a member of Team Ross now, so you can stand behind me with your arms folded, cheering obnoxiously whenever I hit someone with water. Or you could become part of Team Ross and build your own ULTIMATE WATER GUN so you too can rain destruction and dihydrogen monoxide on your enemies. Join Team Ross... TODAY!

2004-04-24T18:49:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure what to say about this. It's either the greatest use of the internet ever conceived by man or it's the 3rd sign of the Apocalypse.

2004-04-23T19:40:00.000-04:00

Now that's what I call political satire.

2004-04-13T16:23:00.000-04:00

Here's a little somethin' somethin' that Will showed me.

Nutrigrain actually does this to you. I think it's because of all the methamphetamines and hallucenogens that they put in the filling.

Speaking of hallucinogens, check this out.

2004-04-10T16:22:00.000-04:00

Flash! A-AHHHH! He saved every one of us!

Flash Gordon is the man.

2004-04-09T23:27:00.000-04:00

So I was at work today. My job is sweet, because it involves sitting around for about half an hour in between jobs and playing games on the computer. No joke. The boss even tells me to play games. It is quite cool. That's not the point though. The point is that I was just sitting around playing Chasm when I remembered that we're almost out of high school. Excellent. I would give a date, but all I know is that graduation is on June 7th and not when we are actually getting out of school (it's some time at the end of May). This is because I'm very out of it right now when it comes to school. I guess it's the Senior Slump (for those of you who aren't Seniors yet, Senior Slump happens whether you want it to or not), because my effort level has been slowly sinking since the end of the first semester exams. I guess I'll have to work a little harder around the time of AP exams, but after that, this ol' brain is going into power-saving mode. You know, kind of like what a computer does. Unless I'm moving or eating or whatever, there will be absolutely no activity in my brain. It's gonna be awesome. Speaking of which, I just realized that if the end of the school year is close, that means that Prom is also close. Which means I have to try and get a date. Damn it. Ok, better idea. I don't try to get a date. Instead, I'll just wait for girls to throw themselves at me. Man, I have the best ideas. I just had a cool spaced-out dream image thing involving girls jumping on me and fighting over who gets to come to Prom with me. Relax, ladies. There's plenty of Ross to go around. Actually there's only one of me and I don't like being cut into pieces, so I guess there's only enough Ross for one person. Shucks. Anyway, the moral here is obviously that I am the man, so if you're a woman then you're probably in love with me and if you're a guy then you're probably jealous of me. Unless you're a gay man, in which case you're also in love with me. Back off. I don't swing that way. Jared does though.

2004-04-06T19:10:00.000-04:00

Hello, guys from any culture. Here is good news that Kikkoman is tired of Japan!

Want to know what they're actually saying? Check it.

2004-04-05T18:40:00.000-04:00

I was going to post some questionable pictures from Disney movies on here, like the priest with the chubby from The Little Mermaid and the clouds spelling out "SEX" in The Lion King, but the pictures were protected, so all they came out as were pictures of Mr. Yuk.

I guess I'll have to settle for this:

If you can't see what I'm talking about, look at the window. You should see this:

It's a naked chick! Oh, Disney. You're so crazy.

2004-04-04T22:13:00.000-04:00

I've got some ocean front property in Arizona.
From my front porch you can see the sea.

2004-04-04T15:43:00.000-04:00

So now I've heard two different explanations for April Fools Day. The first one is that April 1st used to be the first day of the new year, and when a group of people changed New Years to January 1st, they decided to play pranks on the people who still celebrated the new year on April 1st. Ok, that's slightly believable. The second explanation is that in medieval times (no, not Medieval Times. Medieval Times is for ass-monkeys.) every Jester in the land had the day off, so the noblemen and noblewomen had to make their own fun, hence the pranks. Either one could be believable. I guess it really just depends on what the sources for this information are. I know where the second one came from, because I found it. I don't know where the first one came from, because someone told me that one. Which one do you think is right?

Note: neither of those is something I just made up. April Fools Day was 3 days ago. I'm just curious.

2004-03-31T22:24:00.000-05:00

Mr. Roboto is watching you poop.

2004-03-30T21:39:00.000-05:00

Holy acid-induced dream, Batman! Chris Covington just sent me possibly the strangest thing I've seen all month. Sing a simple song, little hamsters. Sing a simple song. My only question is, why are all the kids grabbing their crotches?

2004-03-30T20:50:00.000-05:00

Time for Ross' semi-annual bi-monthly video game review! I'm guessing that's how long it's been since I bought Sonic Adventure 2 Battle, and I may or may not have said how totally awesome and way past cool that game is. That's not the point. The point is I got another game from Babbages or Game Harem or whatever it's called now, and it is a very awesome game. It's called Beyond Good and Evil. Basically the whole premise of this game is that you're living on a distant planet called Hillys, which is under attack from these aliens called DomZ. A military force called the Alpha Sections is supposedly protecting the planet from the DomZ, but you find out otherwise. I'd say about two-thirds of the game is sneaking around places taking pictures of the Alpha Sections' activity and the rest is you fighting with a stick. Not just any fighting, but totally awesome fighting. I guarantee you that no enemy in this game besides the bosses will be able to hurt you. The character you play as is just that cool. You do backflips and such whilst kicking the crap from your enemies' asses. Literally. Sometimes crystals and pearls come out of your enemies after you beat them, and I'm assuming this is because they crapped so hard and fast that their crap turns into something else on the way out, kind of like a piece of coal turning into a diamond. The world you get to explore is also awesome. If you want, you can go on a ton of little side adventures which don't detract from the game at all. In fact, even though the side missions aren't necessary, completing them will actually help you out later because of the money you find. The side missions are all extremely fun as well. Did I mention you get to ride around in a hovercraft? And that eventually you get to attach this hovercraft to a space ship and fly around outer space? And that you get to shoot stuff? There are also very cool cut-scenes which take place during regular action and actually add to the game. The only problem with this game is that it's over too quickly (it took me about 12 hours total), which in my opinion is probably the best problem a game can have. All in all, it's a great game. On the Ross Scale of Gaming Sweetness, I give it a pi out of 3. Go buy Beyond Good and Evil. You won't be disappointed. If you are, you are playing a different game, and you're too dumb for Beyond Good and Evil.

If you click the links, you'll see the trailer, which ordinarily I wouldn't say anything about. However, since they compare it to Zelda: The Windwaker, I felt the need to say something about that. Zelda: The Windwaker sucks major ass. The item fetching crap is way too complicated and the fighting isn't even fun. Beyond Good and Evil would kick Zelda: The Windwaker's ass. So when they say that it's the best action-adventure game since Zelda, what they're basically saying is that Zelda: The Windwaker is lame and this game blows it out of the water. At least, that's what they implied.

2004-03-27T11:55:00.000-05:00

So yesterday I was at NC State for some kind of lunch thing that they give people who have been accepted there. Since I put on my application that my Major would be Physics, I had to spend the day hanging out with a really geeky Physics Major and a couple of uber-geeks who had also declared Physics as their Major. Let me tell you, it sure was fun. We got to talk about the Multiverse Theory and Time Dialation. Actually it was all pretty boring. But I did get free lunch, and I got to see the nuclear reactor that my granddad designed. Also, the Physics Major told me that I would get to know and love Cox, which is a building that the Physics people go to for classes. I said he must really love Cox. He said yes, he loves Cox.

2004-03-25T00:06:00.000-05:00

You know what sucks? PC. I'm not talking about Personal Computers, even though there are a few that I'd like to blow up with a homemade fertilizer bomb. No, I'm talking about Political Correctness. Who the hell ever thought of that? I'll tell you who: politicians who want to tell you what to think 24/7. Think about it: it's called Political Correctness. Not Moral. Political! All that PC means is "I agree to let this politcal party dictate my personality to me." By being PC, you are basically just taking stupid positions on non-issues, which keeps you from getting to the real problems or to the real benefits of a situation. Take calling a Black person African-American. It still says "White" on college applications, and no one seems to be starting a trend to call us Crackers "Anglo-Americans", but I'll be damned if I can call an African-American Black without being told how politically incorrect I am. Is that right? No, of course not. Is it PC? Yes it is. Then there's this crap about never offending anyone. People need to grow up and stop worrying about constantly being PC. Maybe I'm just writing this because I'm up later than I want to be doing a load of physics homework. Maybe I just got tired of people tiptoeing around like little sissies because they're afraid of being politically incorrect. Either way, my opinion is right, and those who disagree with it are wrong. Ha, that's right. There's only one right opinion here. How's that for political correctness?

In closing, if you think Americans are weird, then I urge you to discover the Domo-Kun. Thank you, Japan.

2004-03-21T20:15:00.000-05:00

See the card trick that fooled Chris Covington several times in a row! Can you figure out how this guy does it? Put your guess in the comments, and in a few days I'll tell you guys the answer. If you already know how the trick works, you can still respond, but don't say anything about knowing the answer. Just put an answer down, and we'll let everyone else figure it out for themselves... or at least try to.

2004-03-21T00:18:00.000-05:00

Man, the article about Donald Rumsfeld's secret martial arts tournament is gone. Shucks. Oh well, here's the Onion Infograph.

Update: Great googly moogly! It seems that Nick Fishbane has rediscovered the Onion article about Donald Rumsfeld's secret martial arts tournament! Halleluja!

2004-03-16T22:16:00.000-05:00

Reuben was telling me today about a game he played called "The Incredible Dare Dozen". That got me thinking of the website that it's on (I've wasted many hours of my life there). Now I feel compelled to give you, my lovely audience, a link so that you too can experience the randomness firsthand. Be warned: it's weird. The music will trip you out if you're not careful. That being said, click while the clicking is good. The weirdest thing: the little chickens in the "Summer Walk" game remind me of Chelsea Gay. Don't ask why. They just do.

Remember, Homie G's: There's a link in almost every one of my posts. If you think there isn't one, then you're probably wrong. That being said, there isn't a link in the post before this one. It's like one of those Wonderball chocolate things, you never know what you're going to get! In this case, it's a website with really random games. In other cases, who knows? (I do.)

2004-03-14T17:19:00.000-05:00

Those of you who stalk me may have noticed that I wasn't in town this weekend. That's because I was in Charleston, South Carolina visiting my brother at The Citadel. Charleston really isn't that different from here, except for a few differences. There aren't any nasty hippies in Charleston, there aren't any mountains, there's an ocean (I think it's called the "Atlantic"), and there are about a MILLION HOT GIRLS! I'm serious. Everywhere I turned there were babes. It was sweet. Needless to say, I was a very happy boy.

I was just reminded of something. A long time ago I had to write a paper for Mr. Irani about things I don't like. I picked hippies. They suck. According to Mr. Irani, however, not liking hippies makes me a bigot. I'm not a bigot, Mr. Irani, I just have A SENSE OF SMELL! Damn, hippies smell worse than my garbage. I remember one time that I was forced to gag on the smell of a hippy. I was downtown standing outside the dumpling place, and this guy with dreadlocks and a tie-dyed shirt walks by. I could smell his nasty body for the next 5 minutes! It was like he trailed a cloud of plague behind him or something. After that, I lost my sense of smell for a month and I couldn't get an erection for two months. In fact, I may never be able to have children. Man I hate hippies. Almost as much as I hate Sticky Keys. You know why I was just reminded of Sticky Keys? BECAUSE IT JUST TURNED ON!! I had to restart my computer just to get it to turn off. I bet hippies invented Sticky Keys. Just one more reason to hate them both.

2004-03-11T16:22:00.000-05:00

Remember Duck Hunt? If you do, then I'm sure you remember that smart-ass dog who always laughed at you whenever you missed a duck. Hey, dog! Guess who's not getting dinner tonight? Everyone who played Duck Hunt would have liked nothing more than to shoot that dog right in his smarmy face. Well, now you can. That's right, my friends. It's time for a little payback. Have fun.

For those of you who can't see my links, and there are some of you who can't, just move your mouse around until you see the hand, and click. For everyone else who isn't... well let's just say "unsmart", you know that the discolored words are links. I'm telling you this because everyone should have the opportunity to shoot the shit out of that little bastard dog, regardless of their inability to see links. That's right, I'm an Equal Opportunity kind of guy. On that note, the ACLU can kiss my ass.

2004-03-07T12:47:00.000-05:00

I think I may be in the middle of a time warp right now. I was watching Back to the Future Part 2 today when all of a sudden I saw two commercials for things that have been off of the market for at least seven or eight years. First off, there was a commercial for Gargoyles. Anybody remember them? They were crime-fighting statues, basically, and they flew around and stopped crime with their wings and claws and stuff. The thing is, the show went off air when I was in 6th or 7th grade. All of a sudden, ABC shows up with Gargoyles on their lineup. Crazy! Next was the INCREDIBLE CRASH TEST DUMMIES! Come on, people! I can't be the only person who remembers playing with incredible crash test dummies or watching their show on TV! The Incredible Crash Test dummies have definitely been off-air and off the shelves since I was in the 3rd grade! Is it a coincidence that I was watching Back to the Future at the same time that I saw the commercials for Gargoyles and the Incredible Crash Test Dummies and right after I just posted about how much ass I kicked at laser tag? I think not. Coast to Coast AM is going to hear about this.

2004-03-05T23:44:00.000-05:00

All this talk about names and nicknames and girls giving me naked pictures of themselves (you know you want to) has reminded me of the olden days. Yes, those legendary days of yore, when Starbase Alpha was still open. Man, I kicked ass at laser tag. My old nickname was Hush Puppy. Yeah, that's right. Don't mess with that, or else I'll bring the pain in to your sissy little world. Or at least a gun that uses Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation that I would use to shoot light at you. Man, I kicked ass at laser tag. The only time I ever got anything but first place using the name "Hush Puppy" was when my little clip that held the gun in place for storage wouldn't come undone. Yeah, that's right, punks. You got lucky this time. Next time though, Hush Puppy will BRING ON THE LASER!! Ha, oh man. I definitely kicked your ass at laser tag at some point. Man, you suck at laser tag.

2004-03-05T23:07:00.000-05:00

So tonight I went bowling. Normally, this isn't much to get excited about, but then again, normal isn't a word that applies to me very often. If you've had the privelage to see me bowl, then you know exactly what I'm talking about. That's right, baby. Between the legs bowling! Booya. Tonight, however, I didn't get a single strike or spare bowling like this, which is highly unusual. This leads me to the conclusion that the magenta ball, combined with the fact that my bowling name was "Queen Frostine", meant that I was bordering on fruitiness, and (to throw in a little stereotyping) we all know that gay men are really bad at sports (but really good at fashion and painting kittens and chinchilas and stuff like that). Obviously this means that I have to go back to using my old bowling name, which is "L0rd Vyper Skorpion". Notice the edgy spelling. Bowling with that name, I'm unstoppable. i'm lovin' it.

Speaking of lovin' it, school sucks right now. Let me tell you about a little sumthin sumthin I like to call "too much school work you bastards, so stop giving me so much to do". Well, it goes a little something like this: HOLY SHIT, IT'S THE SECOND SEMESTER OF OUR SENIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL! THE SECOND SEMESTER ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HARDER THAN THE FIRST! STOP GIVING ME SO MUCH DAMN HOMEWORK! Basically, what's been happening is my teachers have all been loading on the homework dump truck style. As in, they're taking a dump, and then driving a truck to school and giving me the homework. I'm beginning to dislike my teachers very much. Especially because they all assign projects with the exact same due dates. That really pisses me off. Basically I'm an angry kid (legal adult, I'll have you know) right now, and it's all because of teachers taking these huge dumps in the toilet that is my happiness. Notice the clever use of metaphors there. The toilet is communism, in case you couldn't guess already. Stupid. HOLY CRAP THINKING ABOUT HOMEWORK MADE ME THINK ABOUT STICKY KEYS!!! I HATE STICKYKEYS!!! I HATE HOMEWORK!!! I'd better go watch Stargate before my head explodes.

Wait, I'm fine now. Ahhhh... thank you little singing marsupial thingies.

2004-03-02T19:49:00.000-05:00

So I'm just browsing the internet, being very 1337 and sexy, as usual, when I come across a SONIC THE HEDGEHOG FLASH GAME!!!!! HOLY CRAP! Yes, it's true. Now, some of you may not be as excited by this as I am, because you don't realize just how totally sweet and way past cool Sonic the Hedgehog really is. That's ok though, because you're obviously not as smart as I am, nor as humble.

However, Cort raises an interesting point. You can play all of the real Sonic the Hedgehog games simply by downloading a Sega emulator of some sort. You can download emulators for any system, but in this case you'd obviously want to get one for Sega, Sega Saturn, Sega Dreamcast, or Sega CD. All of these game systems have at least one Sonic game available, which means that all of these game systems are, of course, totally sweet. Sometimes even totally sweet isn't worth the cost of walking down to the pawn shop and buying a Sega Genesis plus Sonic games for a grand total of $5 though, so that's why you should download these emulators. After you do that, download some ROM's for the emulator. A ROM is basically a game that has been turned into a computer file. Some people say that it's illegal to download games. Actually, it isn't, as long as you own the game (own obviously refers to "pwn", the hax0r term that means "to be really good at"), because under copyright law and other interesting subjects, it's perfectly legal to make copies of something you own. It's called "fair use", and it's the reason why Kinko's is uber-gay for not letting people make photocopies of pictures they own. Or maybe Kinko's is already uber-gay, and the fact that they won't let people make copies of things they own is a consequence of their gayness. That's not the point though. It's like asking which came first, the ninja or the hippo? You just can't answer these things. In conclusion, download emulator, download ROM, play Sonic, Sonic is sweet.

2004-02-27T22:23:00.000-05:00

Wagoning. The very word conjures up images of the mighty sultans of old soaring down sand dunes on shining chariot wagons, their many jewels gleaming in the desert sun... and also guys with way too much time on their hands building wagons to compete in the ultimate wagon race, winner take all. The rules? There are no rules. The competitors? Let me just way, you don't want to meet one of us in a dark alley. Take, for instance, Team Manchest. So maybe our wagon was the slowest wagon of the entire group, but I'll never forget the time that we ran into Taylor Cope so hard that his head took a chunk out of the corner of our wagon (the red part, not the part with the sweet flames). Dangerous? No way! He has wearing a helmet! Besides, it's not like we crashed into him. He crashed in front of us and we ran him over. Then there's also the time when we convinced the great David Glover to go down a hill backwards in the middle of the night on the fastest wagon we could find. So maybe he fractured his elbow. It's not like he's dead or anything, people. And it's not even like he fractured his elbow on the first try. It was definitely at least the third crash that did it. Hungry for the intense world of competitive wagoning? Grab a Snickers! I mean, watch this video that Will sent me.

2004-02-26T21:28:00.000-05:00

Y'all suckers got SERVED! That's right, biatch. Step into my hood and see what happens.

I saw a movie about dancing today (by "saw" I mean I channel-surfed past it). It wasn't "You Got Served", or else I probably would have drop-kicked myself in the neck for seeing it and I wouldn't be typing on this blog. It was actually a movie called "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun". Those guys who made "You Got Served" were definitely ripping off this big time. I mean, this movie has the guy who played Rich in the "Weekend at Bernie's" movies, and "You Got Served" has a bunch of dorky inner-city kids sliding across the ground on their heads. See what I mean? Wheels within wheels, my friends. Wheels within wheels. I'm tapping my nose cleverly right now, in case you were wondering. So I'm pretty tired now. So what? That's what I thought. Get out of here, I didn't even say you could read this. What's that? Bring it on? No, it's "you got served". Man, I think eating Army rations is making me go crazy. Or maybe it's making me stronger... better... faster... broccoli...

Speaking of crazy, I'm sure you've all seen the Quizno's subs commercial with the singing animal thingies. Well, feast your eyes on the page that started it all.

2004-02-24T22:01:00.000-05:00

Holy crap! Click this or die! Watch it until the end, and you won't be disappointed. Thanks to my man Ben Cotton for showing me the light.

2004-02-24T18:16:00.000-05:00

of course cartoon will be excellent

That was the subject line in an email I got recently. Here's the rest:

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Deep... very deep. Unfortunately, I had to block the sender, so if you ever feel like sending me some Japanese poetry that you translated with the Japanese to English dictionary that Sega sent you, don't.

To top off the randomness, I figured I might as well show you this.

2004-02-23T21:59:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Will for showing me this: Coast to Coast AM Radio's official web site. They're a group of people who basically think that everything has something to do with aliens, big foot, the government, or all three working together. Obviously they are pretty crazy. I mean, nothing they say could ever be right. Ever. There is nothing wrong. Go back to sleep. You are not slav-- Oh my God! Where am I!? They've been making me say things again, haven't they? NO, not again! I won't go back to sleep! I WON'T GO BACK TO-- I feel so much better now that I've taken my medicine. Have you taken your medicine today? Remember, good citizens SLEEP, They live! We sleep!! I HAVE TO GET OUT OF H-- Good night, citizens.

2004-02-22T20:19:00.000-05:00

William Hung is the man. For one thing, he's got a great porn star name, and he also really really sucks at singing, which makes him awesome. Once you're done learning about the majesty that is William Hung, click on this link to sign a petition to send him to Hollywood.

2004-02-22T19:52:00.000-05:00

In case you haven't guessed from every Democrat in Charlottesville breaking down and crying, Ralph Nader has announced his plans to run for President as an Independent. This is bad news for Democrats because basically no Republicans will vote for Nader, and lots of Democrats will, meaning that Dubya will soundly whup the Democratic presidential candidate this November. Well, he was already going to win, because nobody likes Democrats. Republicans just get to beat the Democrats worse now, and they'll have another excuse as to why they lost the election.

I couldn't find any web sites about why Ralph Nader is really cool, so I'll have to content myself with this.

2004-02-21T22:20:00.000-05:00

I saw Eurotrip tonight. It was great. There wasn't a single naked man in it, so you should definitely go see it. No naked men. None. Ok, there is an entire nude beach filled with only naked men chasing after a group of people (think naked men running...). But you should still go see it. There's a hilarious song in it called "Scotty Doesn't Know," and it's basically about how Scotty's girlfriend is cheating on him, but somehow the song becomes famous throughout Europe, and you can guess what happens. Go see it. It's funny. Plus, there are a lot of boobies. I mean breasts. I mean, the exploitation of women for simple male amusement is-- wait, never mind. I like boobies.

2004-02-20T23:48:00.000-05:00

Today I bought some Girl Scout cookies, and the woman who sold them to me was totally checking me out. No kidding. I asked for some Thin Mints, and she ripped off her clothes and jumped in my pants. I'm eating Thin Mints right now. Apparently, Girl Scout cookies build strong values, strong minds, strong bodies, strong spirit, strong friendships, strong skills, strong leadership, and strong community, or so the box says, and I'm not in any position to doubt the box. Man, these cookies do a lot! I'd better keep eating them so I can build a brighter tomorrow!

Wait! Don't move. I just had the best idea EVER. We'll get a million boxes of Girl Scout cookies, and we'll ship them to all the countries in the world that are experiencing civil wars, famine, and China. Presto! All their problems are solved. Man, I'm surprised nobody has thought of this before! I'd better go write my Congressman. And by "my Congressman" I mean that I own him. I bought him with a box of Girl Scout cookies. And they weren't even Thin Mints. Heh, sucker.

2004-02-20T23:15:00.000-05:00

Cort's website. He told me the other day that he actually wanted people to look at his website, so I figured I'd do him the favor of showing the link on my internationally acclaimed (it's possible) web site. It's basically a really random blog, but it's almost as good as mine. Almost. Close just doesn't cut it, though, so after you look at his website, come back to mine and leave lots of comments, like the droppings of the guinea pig.

2004-02-20T20:27:00.000-05:00

50's Black and White Scene.

Father: Our poor Scoot is dead.
Doctor: Yes, his heart exploded. He attempted sex and his young heart was unable to handle the unexpected arousal.
Priest: And he's going to hell!
Betsy: What about me? I attempted sex and I'm not dead...

Cuts to Boy and Girl lying dead.

Mother: Is she dead too, Doctor?
Doctor: No, she got lucky. She's only comatose and half retarded.
Father: If only they had waited until harvest season to plow the fields...
Mother: That means wait until marriage, or else!

Man, we definitely need to bring back the 50's-style old school sex ed videos.

2004-02-19T20:56:00.000-05:00

I discovered something today. While I was looking at 1 800 Contacts on the internet (my doctor wants me to pay 80 bucks for a renewal of a prescription before he'll sell me new contacts), I saw something called "Crazy Eyes" and "Wild Eyes". Apparently 1 800 Contacts doesn't sell these because kids swap them and get infections or something like that. Obviously I had to check them out. I was expecting something cool, like silver or gold lenses, or maybe even x-ray contacts or contacts that shoot lasers, but no. What I found were zebra patterned contacts, contacts with red spirals in them, and my favorite of all, NFL team logo contacts. Don't believe me? Click here and scroll down to the bottom of the page. See? I don't make this stuff up. Really though, NFL team contact lenses are a great idea. I mean, we only have NFL team hats, shirts, pants, underwear, shoes, socks, gloves, pillows, shot glasses, footballs, bed sheets, and jackets, and that just isn't enough. I want the Green Bay Packers logo in my eyes. Girls love that. The contacts also only last for one year, which means you can change them whenever somebody wins the Super Bowl. GO JETS! Oh wait, hold on let me go to the bathroom for a second... Ok, there we are. GO TITANS! Man, I think I'll start selling something like this. Only more extreme, like an NFL cyborg arm that you can replace your regular arm with. I know, I know what you're thinking. "Man, I wish I had thought of that!"

2004-02-18T22:01:00.000-05:00

I always wonder, why do people waste their time making really bad websites when they could just have a no-effort solution like mine? I mean, sure, if you wanted to learn about that hit music sensation, Sparky's Flaw, you would go to their website because it's pretty nice. Then again, they have something to gain from a nice website, whereas most people don't. I ask you again, why put any effort into it at all if it you don't have to? Simple: some people just aren't as smart as yours truly. I know, good looks AND brains, it shouldn't be legal. But it is! HA! And I'm modest, too!

2004-02-18T18:16:00.000-05:00

It's been brought to my attention that some of the things I say could conceivably make people angry. Yeah, I guess. However, instead of asking myself what I should do about this, I asked myself instead: "What's for dinner, Ross?" Not surprisingly, I responded, "Beef stew, Ross!" I love beef stew. I made some beef stew last night, and it was really good, so I'm having it again for dinner tonight.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah... angry. Nope, I can't think of anything I've ever written that could make anyone angry. See, anyone who disagrees with me is probably too dumb to get angry in the first place. So I think I've got just about every loose end wrapped up quite nicely. Speaking of rapping, I'm out like a trout, yo. Yeah, I went there.

2004-02-17T18:18:00.000-05:00

Guess what? Jesus was Jewish!

In case you didn't know, Jesus was in fact a "Semite." I've been hearing a lot of complaints on the radio and on television about Mel Gibson's new movie, "The Passion." What the hell? When are people going to learn to stop being such flaming assholes all the time? Face the facts: Jews were the ones who asked for Jesus to be crucified! Big surprise, it was JERUSALEM. Jerusalem was a JEWISH city! Who else would have asked for Jesus to be crucified? It's not like they're evil because they lived in Jerusalem! Besides, Jesus himself was a Jew. It's like saying Americans are evil because an American killed Abraham Lincoln, or it's like saying the French are assholes because... Wait, they are assholes. The point is, it's not like a mob of evil, bloodthirsty Jews were trampling the countryside and all of a sudden happened on Jerusalem where they found Jesus playing Halo on his Xbox and lynched him. Everything that happened to Jesus happened for a reason, and any movie that portrays the truth about Jesus will portray the truth about the Jews, God's chosen people. The next time I hear the word "Anti-Semite" or any variation thereof, I'm going to beat the speaker senseless with their own shoes. If you don't like the movie, don't see it, but don't impose your views on me. After all, you didn't hear any public outcry about Titanic, and that blew legendary genetalia.

Man, all this talk about Jews has made me hungry for some bacon. It's best not to ignore the call of bacon. It doesn't like that. I'd better go eat some now.

2004-02-16T17:56:00.000-05:00

Need a fighter jet?

Buy it on eBay!

2004-02-15T14:26:00.000-05:00

Try and beat this game. I might tell you how if you're nice to me (if you pay me), or you could ask Cort. He'll laugh at you and call you weak.

2004-02-15T13:47:00.000-05:00

Samurai Jack reminds me of Cortlandt Schoonover. Except he's Samurai.

You know what the world needs more of? Samurai Jack. He's the man. Basically all his problems are solved by defeating robots and monsters with a sword while doing cool backflips and dodging darts and stuff. And he's a SAMURAI! The only way he could get cooler is if his name was Ninja Jack instead of Samurai Jack, but really the only difference I can see between Samurai Jack and a ninja is that you can see Samurai Jack, whereas all real ninjas are invisible. We need a Samurai Jack movie. It would be about 12 hours long and it would be entirely him fighting robots and monsters with his sword while doing cool backflips and dodging darts and stuff. At the end of the movie, he would just kinda sheath his sword in a really cool samurai way and walk off into the distance. He doesn't even need dialogue. Also, Samurai Jack the movie would be the perfect movie to take your girlfriend to, because everyone loves Samurai Jack, and if they don't, then you probably shouldn't be talking to them in the first place. Alright, I'd better go write a letter to the people who make Samurai Jack and tell them to get on the ball.

2004-02-14T16:50:00.000-05:00

Ah, Valentine's Day. That most wonderful holiday when star-crossed lovers show each other just how in love they are with magnificent gifts of delectable chocolates and adorable teddy bears. Wait... Did I say delectable chocolates? I meant factory-made chocolates. And I said adorable teddy bears? I meant sappy, unoriginal teddy bears. You people do realize that you're celebrating the anniversary of a guy named Valentine getting his head chopped off, right? To everyone who thinks they're giving someone a thoughtful gift this Valentine's Day: you got your gift at HALLMARK! You are giving the same present that about five million other people are giving! You're basically saying that they don't matter enough to you for you to buy them nice things for the rest of the year, but since everyone else is giving out gifts, you might as well get one too. It's not thoughtful, it's thoughtless! Do your girlfriend/boyfriend a favor and DON'T get them anything on Valentine's Day! Take them out for dinner a week before Valentine's Day, or a week after! Don't buy them a stupid teddy bear! Buy them something on August 14th! If the only reason you're getting someone a gift or taking them out for dinner is because it's what everyone else is doing, then it's utterly meaningless, completely thoughtless, and just plain tacky.

2004-02-14T01:06:00.000-05:00

The internet is for things like this!

2004-02-12T17:38:00.000-05:00

This is to whoever came up with the idea for StickyKeys and FilterKeys: YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE! Come on! I mean, it takes a real dipshit to think that something like this will actually benefit people. "Man, I really want to shift things, but I can't stand to press the key more than once... I know! I'll just have to make it so I'm ALWAYS pressing the shift key! That way I'll never have to type the numbers 0-9 ever again!" Yeah, you can't type any key in that has a secondary function while StickyKeys is on, and you have to turn on CapsLock to type lowercase letters. That means goodbye to apostrophes, semicolons, and commas. In other words: BURN IN HELL STICKYKEYS. I HATE YOU, AND I HATE THE PERSON WHOSE BRAIN CRAPPED YOU OUT.

FilterKeys? I'm not even going to go into that, because it's just dumb. It's not as sadistic as StickyKeys, but it's pretty useless and stupid. Kind of like that little paperclip that pops up when you use Microsoft Word. Man, that paperclip is just asking for a beating.

2004-02-08T20:51:00.000-05:00

Finally, compelling evidence that the moon landing was fake! Take that, ASS-tronauts!

Tee Hee Hee

2004-02-07T21:06:00.000-05:00

Kenny: I wanna be an astronaut, because they get tons of chicks! Like Captain Kirk.
Vic: Actually, Kenny, Captain Kirk wasn't an astronaut; he was a fictional character.
Kenny: Yeah, and he got a lot of chicks!

In other news: the people on the Science Bowl, Knowledge Master, and Pop Quiz team are dorks. Yes, my friends, it's true. While outwardly appearing to be confident, handsome, and popular, they are in fact geeky, unpopular, and dirty. The absolute worst is Battle of the Brains. News flash: we already have that, and it's called "The Science Fair" (which, by the way, is entirely useless, because no one can come up with a real groundbreaking idea in one year, much less in 4 months). Basically all the Battle of the Brains is is, as I like to say, a group of the teachers' favorite smart kids. Battle of the Brains people: trust me, there are a lot of people who are smarter than you but have better things to do with their time than sit in a room answering stupid questions, as if they don't get enough if that during the regular school day. I'm not sure how this ever became a competitive sport. Oh my GOD! That person knows more about French literature than me! What ever shall I do!? Well, here's an idea: get out while you still can. Maybe you can win a million dollars on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?", but more likely than not, you won't get selected for that show, since nobody even watches it anymore, or maybe you could go on Jeopardy and win a leather couch. I still have trouble imagining how this can be a competitive sport. I mean, come on! It's a bunch of kids "competing" to see who knows the name of the fourth regent of Skelbonia! They even have their own TV show... I thought the world was coming to an end when I started watching MXC, but no, the good people on public access had to top that. Now we can watch a sport that's even MORE boring than GOLF! Yes, there actually is a sport more boring than GOLF! PEOPLE, YOU'RE PLAYING THE MOST BORING SPORT IN THE WORLD! GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN! KNOWING USELESS INFORMATION DOESN'T MAKE YOU SMARTER! BEING GOOD AT SCIENCE BOWL DOESN'T MAKE YOU A BETTER PERSON! RUN AWAY, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN AND NEVER LOOK BACK!!!

Note: If you think you're somebody who this applies to, then it probably does. Those of you who it doesn't apply to, you know who you are. Speaking of assholes, Rob just gave me the bio for the captain of the Thomas Jefferson School's Science Bowl captain (she's the asshole, not Rob). It's as bad as you think:

Kay Aull is a defending two-time national science bowl champion, national ocean bowl finalist, international quiz-bowl award winner, USACO/AIME estrogen donor, captain of four academic teams and member of more, she overuses commas and attends global science conferences. Last summer, she won silver at the international biology olympiad, conducted SARS research abroad, took the MCAT for kicks (42, 99.9th+ percentile), founded USABO training pages, and went on CNN in her pajamas. A rabid scantron junkie (1600 + 800 * 5 + 9*5, siemens AP+NMSF) and future bio-engineer, she is also a nationally recognized peer tutor, student government councils leader, philosophy magazine staffer, and state Forensics champion.

This was self-written... basically it boils down to this: "I'm better than you nyah nyah nyah!"

2004-02-07T00:55:00.000-05:00

It has just been brought to my attention that there is a man who calls himself the "Okeechobee Corn Cob King". I can't stand for this. This man, "Ralph Wethli", if that's really his name, will be taken care of. There's only one Corn Cob King, and it's yours truly. Looks like it's time to call on the services of my pal, Conan the Librarian. He'll straighten this out... and after that, he'll kill some kids for not knowing where to find a book on astronomy. He's that hardcore. So watch your back, Ralph. Conan's coming for you.

2004-02-07T00:35:00.000-05:00

My items on eBay ended up finishing like 15 dollars below the reserve price, so I couldn't sell them. Yeah, I know, it sucks. BUT just you wait! I relisted them for free with a higher starting price and no reserve. That means that I can sell them for much money without really ripping anyone off. It's great. AND the KLIFF project has been calling me, so I can get in touch with them and find out when they want me to come in and eat their candy and talk about hitting people with nunchucks and street lamps. In case you were wondering, the KLIFF (Kid's LIves, Friends, and Family) Project is a thing over at the University where they pay kids to come in and get interviewed about the most random things, like how many times a month they hit their parents with chairs. I kid you not. And they pay you about 50 bucks every time you come in! It's like stealing candy from a baby, except you don't have to go to all the trouble of pushing the crib over. (Note: don't steal candy from babies. It's wrong.) So, in conclusion, I will soon be rolling in what we like to call "the dough". This "dough" will soon be spent on sending me to our magnificent shack in Nag's Head this summer. If you want to know what the hell I'm talking about, ask me. It's not that exciting, unless you think houses with running water as amenities are cool.

Apparently Cabin Fever is the worst movie ever. Read:

durandal seven: the drunk guy
durandal seven: well hes not drunk at the time
durandal seven: but he has the disease
durandal seven: drives his truck to the general store
durandal seven: and there is a kid sitting on the porch
durandal seven: and he gets out of the truck and says "i need help, my friend is dying"
durandal seven: then the redneck owner of the store comes out
durandal seven: and the kid is his son
durandal seven: so his son starts yelling "pancakes!"
durandal seven: then it goes into slow motion
durandal seven: and the kid is doing random karate kicks on his way toward the drunk guy
durandal seven: and its still in slow motion
durandal seven: and his dad yells "noooooooo"
durandal seven: and in slow motion the kid bites the drunk guy
rossocles: haha
rossocles: hahahaha
durandal seven: and then the drunk guy yells "fuuuuck" in slow motion
durandal seven: also this doesnt really have a point to the rest of the movie
durandal seven: there is no explaination for the kid
durandal seven: the slow motion is entirely random
durandal seven: you have to see it
durandal seven: [MR PEEPERS] thought his parents would be mad if he watched it
durandal seven: so he left before we watched it
durandal seven: his parents probably would have gotten mad
durandal seven: i'd estimate about a 30% profanity level
durandal seven: and there were random naked girls, bleeding and not bleeding
durandal seven: and also lots of people got shot and other stuff
durandal seven: also there was drug use
durandal seven: all in one movie
durandal seven: for no apparent reason
rossocles: sounds like oscar material to me

Plus, we had another two-hour delay today. It was sweet. And Marequiz gave a retarted farewell address to our class, since he's soon going off to CATEC for the rest of the semester. The good part was we got brownies... well, we got the brownies that Mr. Kishore didn't manage to stuff into his face before we could drag him off of the pan.

2004-02-03T20:01:00.000-05:00

So we had a two-hour delay today. Not that we needed to have one, since the roads were totally clear, but we did, and I'm not complaining. As if the delay hadn't ruined class time enough (again, another plus), when I got to school, I saw something unusual. Everyone was milling around outside the building. Apparently someone pulled the fire alarm, and they are the man. Or so the story goes, anyway. So after that, we had to wait for 20 minutes outside while fire trucks arrived and searched the building, and then when we finally went back inside, someone started a fight! It was sweet! Two girls were trying to beat the crap out of each other, and like three people had to hold each of them back. And THEN, in 3rd period, when all the students were settling into their various states of sleep, the fire alarm rang AGAIN! This time it was because the janitors were resetting it (they have to reset it after it's been pulled), but it still served to break up the teaching quite nicely. Just another exciting day at Charlottesville High School.

2004-02-02T22:02:00.000-05:00

OK, so maybe that didn't work and MAYBE I still don't appear on google.com. MAYBE. We all know what that means. No, I don't need to say "corn cob" any more times. I'm already the corn cob king and nothing's going to change that. What this really means is that there's a conspiracy against all that is righteous. The FCC (which really stands for the Federal CAUCASIAN Commission) (Yeah, that's right. Always trying to keep a brother down.) is obviously trying to keep the words of truth and justice from spreading. It's a cryin' shame, because it looks like when they were doing it they got my website too by accident.

2004-02-02T21:57:00.000-05:00

So apparently the more times you use a word in your page, the better chance there is that somebody searching for that word will find your webpage. I guess I could just use a really random search item, like "corn cob", a ton of times. I could be the corn cob king! To paraphrase Jared, put that in your (corn cob) pipe and smoke it!

CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB CORN COB

I AM THE CORN COB KING!!!

2004-01-30T19:51:00.000-05:00

So yesterday in math class we somehow ended up talking about evolutionism, and it was pretty obvious that I was the only person in the room who didn't believe in it (I didn't say anything, because it would take a lot longer than an hour and a half to change someone's mind about evolution). It's not like I believe that everything was created in seven days or that the Earth is 6000 years old (after all, the Bible wasn't written by God; it was written by humans listening to God), but I definitely don't believe that things as complicated as even the most worthless amoeba were created by random design. This is a random post, I know, but it makes me mad when people just throw off the theory of intelligent design with a wave of their hand and a mutter about "fundamental Christianity." Speaking of design, here's an interesting article from TrueOrigin.org, the counterpart to the famous TalkOrigin.org website about evolution. It's all about design, and it definitely makes sense. It's long though, so if you don't like reading, then don't click it. If you do like reading or you just don't care about it one way or the other, check it out.

2004-01-29T19:23:00.000-05:00

Anybody interested in buying some Warhammer 40k Orks or Tyranids? I knew you would be. Click the links to buy them from that noble institution known as eBay, or get all your geeks and dorks together so they can fight over who gets the stuff.

2004-01-28T19:55:00.000-05:00

So today I was sitting in Calculus class being really smart and sexy as usual, when we somehow get to talking about why it's a good thing that we're in school today and every other school within 50 miles is out. Apparently it's a good thing because if we miss enough days then they'll take away spring break. Sorry, folks, but this ain't going to happen. They (whoever it is who decides what days will be make-up days) will never take away spring break. Why? Simple. The teachers are on vacation. Yup, it's like that. Also, a lot of kids have vacations planned for spring break, and their parents aren't going to cancel the vacation that they're been planning for months because their kid is supposed to be in school. The kid will just miss school. So don't worry, gentle readers, because the combination of pissed teachers and classes with nobody except for Steven Bills (I take that back; he'll be in the Bahamas with his butler) means that you'll never have to worry about us losing our spring break. Unless we miss like 50 days of school because of snow, but I think if that happens we'll all starve to death in our houses, so school really won't be an option. Unless it's DEAD school! HA! I crack myself up.

Voldo: Soul Caliber fighter or male stripper?

2004-01-25T19:17:00.000-05:00

I rented Soul Caliber 2 last night, and I must say, it's quite cool. I think the developers got people to put those little white dots all over their body and then translated their motion into computer generated images, because the fighting is very realistic and sweet. The only thing I can find wrong with this game is the fact that it doesn't have cheat codes. What's up with designers not making cheat codes for their games? It's a cryin' shame, I tell ya. However, there is one thing about the game that slightly makes up for the lack of cheat codes. VOLDO. Yes, Voldo. He's probably the goofiest character in a game I've ever seen, and that includes such personalities as Boogerman and that teddy bear that rides his skate board around telling kids not to do drugs. He walks like he's either high, drunk, or a combination of the two, and whenever he gets hit he makes a sound like a retard or maybe a cow in heat. It's hilarious. Totally hilarious. Ask Jared, he'll tell you.

Below freezing temparatures? No problem, bust out the ol' gym shorts!

2004-01-24T17:19:00.000-05:00

So today I was driving home from the movies with my mom(Yup, I went to the movies with my mom. Jealous?), and I saw two UVA girls walking along the side of the street. Normally, this isn't cause for a second thought, but today, I noticed something amazing. Both girls were wearing gym shorts. Yes, they were part of that ubiquitous "Hello, I go to college and I'm too much of a lazy fat-ass to put on real clothes, so I'll just walk around in 30-degree weather with my JV sports team gym shorts on to show everyone how cool and in college I am" crowd. It's never the really hot girls who wear clothes like this in the winter, either. It's always the fat-asses who look like their arms and legs are made of giant sausages but who will kick you in the balls if you don't tell them they're hot. I see this a lot. I guess it's the cool thing to do over at UVA, and I guess I must not be cool enough to get it. So I just walk around with my actual clothing and jacket on, hoping beyond hope that some day a girl like that will notice me. Then I can walk around in a wife beater and gym shorts all day, eating Uncrustables and pre-dipped chips, and my life will finally be complete.

Mars Attacks

2004-01-18T14:08:00.000-05:00

I just finished reading an article in Popular Mechanics that supposedly tells us about the government's top secret plan for what to do if an alien lands on our planet. Now, from the very beginning, the article threw up some red flags. Obviously the plan isn't top secret, or else there wouldn't be an article on it, now would there? Then, I looked at the list of people who would greet the aliens. First of all, there wasn't a single one who was under 65. I guess we want aliens to think that all humans walk around with their hair falling out while crapping in their pants. Second, one of the people who Popular Mechanics thought would be a good person to greet the aliens was Jane Goodall, the primate lady. Yes, she has experience communicating with "intelligent nonhumans", (read: stupid monkeys) so she seemed like a good person to choose to talk to creatures that are obviously smart enough to build space ships and fly to Earth. The final thing that turned me off to the article was the government's supposed "plan" for when aliens land. First, they handcuff the alien. Smart move. Second, they tow away its space ship. Great idea! Finally, they quarantine and probe the alien in a secure Level 4 Biosafety facility. Well, I suppse the aliens deserve a good probing or two. Now, my dad used to be in the military, and they make plans for everything. But they make good plans, not plans that are likely to get the planet vaporized. All in all, this article belongs more on someone's conspiracy theory website than in a Popular Mechanics magazine.

In case you do happen to meet any aliens, click this link to find out what you should do to avoid being abducted.

Dedodedo.

2004-01-17T17:20:00.000-05:00

Tanze die ganze Nacht hindurch!!!

Doom is not scared. Doom... Doom lost a quarter. Go away.

2004-01-16T17:36:00.000-05:00

Item #328 on Ross' list of things that are going to cause the downfall of civilization: A new movie called MXP: Most Extreme Primate. Yes, that's right. It's about a monkey that snowboards. I mean, sure, the people who made "Air Bud" obviously need to eat and pay the bills, but a monkey that snowboards? I guess people can watch this movie while they eat pre-dipped chips and Uncrustables. Be careful, though. If you eat too much you'll get sick and you'll have to go use your automatic flush toilet!

I'll take the skunk apes, please.

2004-01-15T20:10:00.000-05:00

Oh, you silly skunk apes. Read this letter, and then look at these pictures, or the other way around, I don't care. The pictures remind me of some of the people at CHS...

Britney Spears is HOT.

2004-01-14T19:13:00.000-05:00

http://www.cnn.com/2004/TECH/space/01/14/bush.space/index.html

Hell yes.

Speaking of "Hell yes", I saw Britney Spears' "Toxic" video today. She is so hot, sometimes I don't know what to think. Then I realize, my male brain has already taken care of the thinking situation for me, and I'm free to fantasize about Britney Spears dancing around naked, or better yet, walking around my house naked. The only possible way Britney Spears could get any hotter is if she watched pro wrestling. Alas, we can only hope.

While she may not watch pro wrestling, she does know a lot about semiconductor physics. Don't believe me? Czech it out.

What up, dogs?

2004-01-13T20:24:00.000-05:00

Tonight I was watching Fox News Channel while I wrote up an essay outline for the English midterm tomorrow, and there was a show on called "G Block". Shepard Smith, who is the anchor for that show, ended one segment by saying that he was "chilling like a villing." I kid you not. Those were his actual words. Obviously they were trying to be on the cutting adge of culture, but I have to say, they failed miserably. I mean, come on! I've been using that hip slang for months! Nice try, Fox News Channel, nice try, but you have to be one cool cat to jive with someone as rad as me.

Keep it real, dogz.

2004-01-11T22:59:00.000-05:00

Apparently my name has two meanings. One is Teutonic, and means "woody meadow". The other is Scottish and English and means "promontory", which means that it's an adaptation of a Scottish surname which means "someone from the headland." Man, my name rocks.

2004-01-10T16:48:00.000-05:00

I learned today that West Point has very dumb people working there. I got a letter in the mail that read as such:

"Dear Ross:

Regrettably, your admission file for a West Point cadetship is closed because of your failure to submit required information.

We hope you continue to pursue your goal of service in the Army, and investigate ROTC options. You should also consider the benefits available through Regular Army or Reserve Component enlistment.

Thank you for your interest in West Point, and good luck in all your future endeavors.

Sincerely,
Mark West, Major, US Army, Southeast Regional Commander"

Now, all of this might seem perfectly reasonable if I had applied to West Point. But I didn't apply. In fact, I had to throw away about 16 letters from West Point asking me to apply. I'm glad to know though that they actually require candidates to submit an application. If I had gotten in without applying, well that would have been something.

2004-01-07T20:54:00.000-05:00

I heard something on the radio today about giving legal documentation to illegal immigrants. Hey, sounds like a good idea to me, because if an immigrant is going to enjoy the benefits of living in the United States, he should at least pay some of the taxes that let the United States give him benefits. How do we get him to pay taxes? Give him documentation, then the employers will have to pay them minimum wage, and if they earn enough, then the immigrants pay taxes. Sounds like a good plan to me, as long as they don't get to vote. Look at it this way: if illegal immigrants can vote, there isn't anything to stop them from flooding the country during elections and swinging the elections in their favor. You might say, "HA! Yeah right! They can't even speak English! How are they going to screw up elections?" Well, to answer that question, I say go to the polls on election day and look at some of the people in there. There are lots of people who can't speak English, and lots of people who can speak English but possess a subnormal intelligence that prevents them from voting unassisted. And believe me, there are plenty of people willing to "assist" people to vote a certain way. With enough "assistance", illegal immigrants could screw things up big time. Moral of the story: leave voting to citizens. If they want to vote, they have to live here for a while. That's the way things work.

2004-01-06T21:53:00.000-05:00

So the other day Austin and I were watching Monday Night Raw (WWF Wrestling), and Stone Cold Steve Austin was in the process of laying down the law for Triple H, when all of a sudden Sean Michaels, aka the Heartbreak Kid, came out to the ring. Everyone in the audience was chanting "HBK, HBK, HBK" for him, and then one of the cameras panned to catch some of the members of the audience cheering. One of the members of the crowd was a very hot girl, and she was chanting "HBK" while obviously having a great time. Why can't all girls be like this? No one seems to understand the true majesty of professional wrestling. I mean, come on. What's not to like about crazy guys in spandex acting out really bad soap opera stories while "beating" the crap out of each other? I'm glad that at least one hot girl in the world understands this. To that girl: go out with me, because you are awesome.

2004-01-04T17:55:00.000-05:00

OK, let me set a few things straight for people who read this. Two, too, and to are not the same word. They're, their, and there are not the same word. Bored and board are not the same word. See where I'm going with this? Every time I'm online I see this. I can't believe how little brainpower some people possess, to actually be able to live without eating rat poison and still somehow not hear the constant reminders that some words, while they may sound similar, are in fact not the same word. On the other hand, many of these people probably actually have been eating rat poison, but since their (they're, there) bodies only really serve as containers for pie and alcohol, they probably aren't affected by it one way or the other. Think of it this way: rat poison causes brain failure in rats, and you can't have brain failure if you don't have a brain.